Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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