i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
