I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
