Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
