I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
