I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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