I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I think i got beer on your cat.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
