you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
