woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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