I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
