Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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