Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
