The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
