I cut my penus on the lid.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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