Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
