apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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