In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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