I cannot find my penis.
My cat gives me a boner
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
