he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
