Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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