Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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