I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
