State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
