New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
