I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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