Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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