you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
