if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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