Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
