mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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