so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
