the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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