They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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