I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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