WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
