Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So squirting runs in the family.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize