i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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