It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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