I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
