I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
