Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
