Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
