Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
