My room smells like vodka and shame
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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