I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
