I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
