Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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