my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
