The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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