On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize