I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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