I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
