If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
