M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
be right there i have to get my cape
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
