you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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